Something I'm afraid of

30 Day Photo Challenge: Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of..

 Bees.

I run from them like a child.  

In fact, I have passed this fear on to my child and he runs from them in fear, too.  oops..

I *try* to remember that bees [and dogs] can smell fear.  It doesn't always work.

I also dislike their cousins, the wasps.

I was going to think of all the things I could fear for my kids, my future, my marriage.

But, nope.

Bees.

I know God created them but...ugh.

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.

This is a fun silly succession of photos I actually took before I read what today's "assignment" was.. 

so here you go..

Enjoy the merriment we had just being goofy!

love him.

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.

This picture was a long time coming.

I have actually lived in "our old house" since I was in the 10th grade...so that would be '91, I think.  In 2003, my mom got a new house just a few minutes away but in the pre-process of moving, it was discovered she had major heart issues, she had a quad-bypass, and moving halted.  So we continued to "live" in both places [geesh, as I am doing now!].   Then when John and I were going to get married, she offered for us to take over the payments..so we did when we got married in September 2004.

Fast forward 5 years, we now have 2 kids, this stifled Stampin' business due to space, the neighborhood has gone downhill and become a random renters area..nowhere I would ever let my kids out to bike or play...so mom & grandma set out to find a new place since they had the spare time to roam around.

They would drive through local areas, call realtors, make the appointment and then I would show up for the walk through.  Of course, they never drove more than 5 minutes from either of their homes...we did have a maximum distance we could move.  haha  Honestly, I relied on both them a lot, and they on us, so it was for a real reason.  ;)

In one of the first houses we really liked and bid on, we got connected to our realtor, Lana Burke.  We lost that house to a cash offer and would go on to create another 8 contracts that would fail as well.  I do have to say that she stuck with us and showed nothing but integrity.  In fact, we were going to bid on a house that frankly was going to strap us financially.  It was nice, new, & enticing, but she knew it was going to be difficult for us.  We had the contract drawn up & signed and I was going to drop it off to her to send in for the bid process.  She called that morning and told us another house had come on the market overnight and we should go see it...and it was $20,000 LESS.  Pure integrity.  I would recommend her to anyone.  Of course, we didn't end up getting that house either and the saga continued for a total of 14 months.

But on December 26th, WE FINALLY GOT OUR HOME!  What a Christmas gift from God!

I wish Grandma would have been able to see this house.  I viewed it after she went to Ohio for the summer.  But she was praying we would get it and all of our prayers were answered.

Funny enough, a friend lives across the street from this house and was telling me about it for around a year but it was not yet on the market.  It came up while we were in a short sale [that fell through] so went to look finally.  As we pulled up John said, you know we have been here, right?  Ironically, we actually knew the previous owners and had been in it for a party 4-5 years ago.  Very strange.  So thanks, Katie, it's great to have friendly neighbors!

Our journey to get this house is a little longer than most probably.  Perhaps if we had got the first one we looked at, we wouldn't have appreciated it as much. 

Some things are worth the wait.

~The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness;his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him! Lam. 3:22-24

Just 4 more to go in the 30 Day Photo Challenge..Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss

Day 25 - A picture of your favorite day~ Abigale's Birth Story.

Jan. 20th, 2010

The story and value of this day actually starts with this photo taken on November 8, 2007.

I am behind those closed doors, knocked out because my epidural wouldn't take up my chest fast enough for the ER C-section to deliver Jesse.

I know no birth plan ever works out like you had planned but this was the complete opposite.  

John was not in there.  My doula/BFF Lindsey was not in there.  They were going to be allowed when it was a normal C-section but when I had to be completely sedated, no one I loved was allowed in the room, except for Jesus.  Thankfully, Lindsey had made me read Birthing From Within earlier and there had been enough scenarios of C-sections that I was prepared for what was about to happen.  So as they strapped down my arms, I began to pray.  That was the only thing that helped me cope with the turn of events.  But, as Lindsey kept saying, "it was the next best thing".

So Jesse was born at 2:40 pm and they did let John & Lindsey in to see him shortly after birth.  I didn't wake up for another 2 hours alone in a cold room so I am sad to say we missed that first family picture, that picture of the first time I got to look into his beautiful blue eyes.

I ended up with numerous complications with my C-section, including infections and nicked nerves that made me scream uncontrollably and walking hunched over for about 3-4 weeks afterwards.   

So...when I was pregnant with Abigale, my constant declaration was that I would VBAC her.  [Vaginal Birth After C-section]

I wanted to be fully present for this birth!  

So after having to present my case uncountable times to every midwife and doctor I saw, I was going to be able to deliver her the way I had hoped!  

Then they wanted to induce me. I knew that was an anti-VBAC move and I kept saying this to them.  

So we prayed. 

And they brought me in for an induction on January 15th. 

I was at a "0", meaning my body wasn't ready and Abigale was not planning on coming out.  However, the "aggressive" midwife [eventually all 6 of them would get nicknames], decided to strip my membranes.  *Note: with Jesse, I was at a "2" and my doctor at that time said it was not favorable to strip that soon.  "0" is even less favorable.  I'm just saying...NOT cool.

She stripped the next day, too, and tried to break my water when I was barely a 2.  Thanks be to GOD because I had my eyes clinched tight in pain when I "heard" OPEN YOUR EYES! There was Aggressor with the instrument, ready to break my water without a warning.  I climbed up the bed away from her.  I would have probably had another C-section if she had her way.

So after a "maybe" from the Aggressor, a YES from the Cheerleader the next afternoon and then a welcome "Either we break your water and you get a C-sec probably or we send you home and try again next week" from the Voice of Reason, I was sent home from this failed induction.  Hurray! 

The following Monday, the 19th, we came in again for another try.

And again, I didn't progress in their timely manner.  And again, the baby's heartbeat would be a little stressed.  So again, I was strapped to the bed, which is another anti-VBAC move. 

So we prayed.

The next day was our last chance since we had both been on pitocin and everything else they give you for 4 days at this point...not good.

The 6th midwife I saw through all of this said that if I didn't progress favorably by the next time she checked me, I was going to the operating room.

And we prayed again.  We asked for prayer from our friends. We prayed specifically. We posted on FaceBook for prayer.  Then we waited in anticipation to see how God would answer our prayers.. 

And the midwife was delayed..delayed by hours.. then she came in and I was READY!  We praised and cried and praised God again!  We called my mom & grandma to come back to the hospital!  We also called Brandi, our friend from church who had been my nurse through both of these hospital stays and she made it back up, too.

The epidural they required was a thankful respite from the pain of the pitocin induced labor pains.  The relief was just enough to allow me to feel the pressure and pain so I was in control knowing when contractions were coming and when it was time to push.  That couldn't have been done better.

So John was on one side and Brandi on the other, while midwife and nurse encouraged me. The mirror was up because I wanted to absorb every moment of this event.  Mom & Grandma sat on the couch to the side of me, experiencing something like this for the first time from that angle.

 At the end, if she was okay, they were going to allow me to pull her out myself.  At the end, I was a bit delirious and looked up at that mirror, seeing her head and thinking "There is no way I can reach that high up and do everything else, too".  Next time, someone remind me where exactly they are coming out of..geesh. 

So at 8:09 pm, Abigale made her grand entrance heard loudly on her due date of January 20th.

And we cried and praised and sat there in awe of what we just experienced.  

For me, this birth redeemed the "loss" I had felt with Jesse's birth.  

I fully participated in this birth.  

God granted my desires with an amazing delivery.

"Gigi" with Abigale.  

Truly.

 I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.  He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed.  They will put their trust in the Lord. Psalm 40:1-3

Through the last days of this journey, I held fast to the praise song, I Have to Believe by Rita Springer. 

 I have to believe, he sees my darkness
I have to believe, he knows my pain
I have to lift up, my hands to Worship
Worship his name
I have to declare, that he is my refuge
I have to deny, that i am alone
I have to lift up, my eyes to the mountains, thats where my help, it comes from
oh yeahhh
He said that he's forever faithful
He said that he's forever true
He said that he can move mountains
If he can move mountains
He can move my mountain, he can move your mountain too
I have to stand tall, when the wind blows me over
I have to stand strong, when i'm weak and afraid
I have to grab hold, a hold of the garments, the garments of praise..

~  ~  ~

Thanks for reading this very long entry..  

What was your favorite day?  

What's your birth story?

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.

I feel like I have answered this question already in this challenge...

See Day 22 and Day 4

Again, I think the things we go through, bad or good, make us the person God wants us to be.  And we are all a work in progress.
But, so I answered every question...

Perhaps, part of me would answer, my waistline like so many other women.  

But the truth is, though I wouldn't mind being a bit smaller and healthier in that department, I actually like me for me. 

 I have these curves partly because of my genetics, partly because of my upbringing, partly because I love to cook and eat the lovely foods God has provided for us, and partly because I gave birth 2 these lovelies.  

[Jesse by C-section on 11/08, 2007, with doula/BFF Lindsey's hand because they had to knock me out so I missed the first couple of hours of his life. :(  ]

[Me with Abigale that I VBAC'd - (Vaginal Birth After C-Section) on January 20, 2010!  My heart's desire...God is so good!]

I earned these curves in more ways than one.

And who wants to look like this really? 

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book [or 2]

Are you looking for a book on Parenting? 

Intrigue? 

Murder? 

Mystery? 

Sex? 

Triumph? 

Encouragement? 

Grief? 

Marriage?

Real Love?

You get the picture..

Skeptical? Don't knock it till you try it!

This version [and the Daily Bible] is unique in that it arranges the Bible so the stories/entries are chronological.  It makes the history of things easier to comprehend sometimes when there is a timeline.  This is great for daily reading but not so much study.

Admittedly, I am more of a magazine grazer that a book reader..always been like that.  

Keep it short, I have other things to do. 

So when it comes to reading for "fun", you can generally count me out of that conversation. 

However, when I was around 10 or so, I read this book for an unknown reason.  

Trapped in Time 

And then I read it again.  And again.  And probably again.

I wish it still existed but I remember the cover falling off since I had read it so much.

It seems to have been published about the same time the first Back to the Future came out and has a very similar plot: 2 teens dream of observing their parents meet & fall in love.  They stare at a picture of the night they met to get back in time.  Of course, things get messed up so they spend the rest of the book trying to get their parents together and their own future back on track.  

Not Shakespeare, I know, but interesting nonetheless for a 10 year old dreamer.

Hmm.. I wonder.  It actually might still be in my mom's stuff.  She is a bit of a "keeper", too. ..I digress..

Speaking of my mom, I used to stare "forever" at this picture of her in front of our house when she was in her mid-twenties. I can still see it so clearly.  She was standing in the our front drive with the "largest tree ever" behind her. She had a blond bouffant hair-do, a white mini dress, white leather knee high white boots and a smile.  I am not sure if it was imagination or truth, but I thought she was headed to party.  And I used to stare at the picture, hoping I could travel back there and tell her to change things, say yes to a certain boy, no to another, and have a happy life.  I really hoped to alter her future to something better even if it meant I would not be created.  Geesh..

Now, I am glad their theory of time travel didn't work.  

Or we all would have missed out on this.

At any rate, it appears to be out of print but I see used copies do exist.  

Should ask the Easter Bunny for a copy in my basket? 

Did you read this book?  

What was your fave book as a youth?

~ ~ ~

Just 7 entries left in this challenge...
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.
Day 25 - A picture of your favorite day.
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at

 Did you know I am on a journey?  A journey to let go...of STUFF.  It has consumed me for far too long.  I suspect, if you are crafter of any type or have a hobby, you probably have at least a little bit of an issue of STUFF, too.  I am not alone, right?

But I am determined to declutter and organize this new house.  To not continue old habits but break them.  To not continue the downward spiral of CHAOS in this new location.  Of course, I actually do need some of the stuff I have aquired and kept because of my business, which makes it difficult.  Notice I said some not all..  

However, my hope is at this new home, there will be a place for everything and everything in it's place.  That's the goal.  

I did a study on "idols in our life" last semester.  I figured I would discover I had made an idol of my husband or my kids.  However, it introduced the idea of a Pharoah, something that controlled you, not that you necessarily worshiped, but nevertheless, kept you from serving God to your full potential.  I discovered my pharoah is all this stuff.  

It's consuming. It's depressing.  It's overwhelming.  And I still don't know where to start when I go over to that old house to move things.  

Frankly, I like my new house clutter free as it currently is...but I do need to move and close that part of our past. That old house has currently become an oversized storage unit that you visit, grab a bag full of clothes or dishes, and shut the door.  However, that "storage unit" has a costly mortage to go with it so move it all, I must.

If it wasn't so ridiculously embarrassing,  I would seriously call Clean House or Hoarders...though, hopefully, I wouldn't yet qualify for the latter. It would make it much easier if someone else just took care of it.  Someone that didn't look at each item, think "what could I do with this" or "So & so got that for me..what would they think if I sold it?" or "I know someday I will want this".  

I am a classic emotional "keeper", which is a much nicer word.  Things have value far more than they deserve.  I am learning to recognize this and rebuke it more and more.

But as I continue on this journey, I am keeping accountability on myself.. as philosopher George Santayana wisely stated, "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it".  

That is my greatest fear.

 

10 questions to help you declutter

Day 21 - A picture of your favorite night

I have been blessed with many wonderful nights in my life.

This one will have to top them all for obvious reasons.  

It was a night of firsts for both of us...yes, it's rare but true.

We decided our first night together as man & wife should also be our first night together in our home.  The bed frame hadn't made it over to the house yet, so we just had mattresses on the floor.

But that night was as special as any 5 star hotel could ever bring.

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.

I have never been to NYC, for real.

I went through the city on a bus to transfer from one airport to another coming back from Israel in 2001. The driver took a wrong turn and we drove through town seeing the Statue of Liberty, those spaceships from Men in Black, Chinatown, I think...

I was elated..

..Everyone else on the bus was yelling because they were going to miss their connecting flight. 

I knew I was missing mine, too, but I didn't want to miss a minute, soaking up the sites of that City I still haven't set foot in.

So sit back and enjoy the ride sometimes..it is not always about the destination because the journey can be pretty fantastic, even if it is based on a "wrong" turn.

 ..and..

Someone please talk my hubby into taking me someday!

Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.

So I do have to say that I don't have easy access currently to pictures from the past.  Basically, if it isn't digital, I can't get to it.

Happy enough, these were scanned [I think] for our wedding video collage.  Wish I oculd have found that file because there would have been more to choose from..anyway, for your viewing "pleasure"

The Baby Years
 

 

 

 

Preschool Years..

 

I am pretty sure I peed on this pumpkin.

 

Why is a 4 year old holding a lit candle?

Then we get to the junior high years...

 NKOTB - 4 -EVA!

 

with Rachael outside the trailers..8th I think.

You know you are jealous of my poof.  I was quite proud that the entire bang section was so solidified together with hair spray that you could lift it all with one hair.  

Awesomeness.

Was that enough embarrassment for one entry?

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.

This is entry is part of a 30 Day Photo Challenge that's over half way over so catch up if you missed.  

Some days are harder than others to come up with a response..

...this was a hard one because it made you look a little deeper than maybe we want to sometimes..

So..it's me.. My biggest insecurity..

And, yes, even getting this picture took many takes.  Had to look just right.  

In my defense, some came out looking like I was throwing up gang signs and I am not entirely positive what those completely are even..ha.

Do you like me?  Are you mad at me?  Do I look cool enough today?  Do they even say "cool" anymore?

Do I look too old or too young?

What do you think of my house?  If there is dust or this or that is left out, how much are you going to judge me?  Is it the right color, style, look?

Do you like my work? Am I good enough?  

Am I pretty enough?  Am I cute enough in this outfit? Does it make my ___ look big?  

ENOUGH!

These thoughts plague a lot of us, I bet.

And, deep down, I know it is not good for me at all!  I know God loves me for me.  

He created me to be just like this and loves me for exactly who I am.  

He doesn't care if I am hip, skinny, or put together "just right".  


I like this version from the New  Living Translation 
"Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! 
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it." 
Psalm 139:14 
But the one most know is "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Which is another great version from NIV.

Do you remember this old ad from the late 70's that circled the church..I do:

Something to remember on those days where you stare into the mirror, not so happy with what you see staring back...

Another wonderful verse & story to click on..

He will take great delight in you; 

   in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
   but will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17b 

[For more on this verse, please also read this amazing blog post from Jones Design Company Twirl..thanks J.Cook!]

Okay, I am done.  

Not perfect, not healed, but a work in progress.  And aren't we all?

~  ~  ~

For a look into what is left to come for this month..hopefully some of these will be a little easier on me [and my ego]. ;)

Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.

Day 21 - A picture of your favorite night .

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.

Day 25 - A picture of your favorite day.

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.

Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.

Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

Sometimes it is still hard for my brain to grasp.  Somewhere, there is this little part of my brain that forgets..that thinks, maybe she is still in Ohio.  I know she is not.  I clearly know she is gone from this world.  I know by faith she is now in Heaven... or dancing in the clouds with Jesus, petting Jack & Maxie, as Jesse believes.  

But I still cry.  I still mourn.  I still miss her.  Some days hit you more than others.  

But the loss is always there.

We saw her 4 out of 5 days when she was here in Florida and I talked to her about every day when she was in Ohio.  That daily absence is what kills you.  

Each person grieves in their own way because the person gone meant something different to each individual.  So you can never truly say..I know how you feel..because the dynamic of the lost relationship is different for everyone.

But I know how I feel..and I miss her.  

I miss the times I thought we were going to have.  Though she was 85, she was in fairly good shape up to this summer.  I delusionally thought she would be here so much longer.  I thought for sure Willard Scott would read her name with her picture on the Smuckers label on the  Today show when she turned 100.  I thought Abigale & Jesse would get to know her even more.  She was always so excited to hear the new things Abigale was doing or the funny things Jesse would say.  I still find myself thinking, I can't wait for Gigi to see Abigale in this outfit or tell her that she's walking, climbing, babbling..and finally, she doesn't cry as much any more.. I wish she could see our new house and the things we are doing in it.  She wanted this for us and looked so hard to find us a new home... I wish she could have been there to see it actually happen.  

I know I was blessed to have had her in my life for as long as I did.  I know I am beyond blessed to have had a realtionship as close as I did with her.  Not many get to really know their grandmother like I did, and I do not take that for granted.  

But a warning..for any relationship.  The closer you are, the harder it hurts when they are not here.

But I wouldn't change it for the world.

We still miss you Gigi.

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.

There have been a lot of women that have poured themselves into inspiring me to be a better person..wife, daughter, mother, woman of God.  

Countless, really, and I know I have been richly blessed for having each of them...previous coworkers, teachers, friends, etc.  I am sure many of them do no even know the impact they have had on my life.

But..

Today I want to honor the past, present, & future Mentor MOMS from my MOPS group.

They come each week and encourage the ladies in my group through this Mothers of Preschoolers life stage.  They not only offer advice on raising our kids, being a better wife, and learning about God..they also give us hope to know there is life on the other side

..and to cherish every minute of this lifestage.. 

because it will be over before we know it..

gone in a blink..

and I bet, as we remember, we are going to ache for these days again...

Thank you, ladies, for all the BIG and Little things you do each week!  You are a blessing to us all!

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

I want to see my children ask Jesus to come into their hearts.  

As mom, I feel like it is my calling to raise them to desire a relationship with Christ.  To have a hunger to know more about Him & the Bible.  So I look forward to the day when Jesse & Abigale..and any others..come to know Jesus as their Lord & savior.

Don't know about this stuff?  Let's chat.

Helping Your Child Develop a Growing Relationship with Christ

I would love to see them get married and look forward to grandchildren, too.  :)

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.

At first, I thought John.  

But I have known life without him before.

 And the same thing with these too little sweeties.  Can't imagine from now on without them..

But I have never had life without my mom and can't imagine it without her.  For a long time, it was her & I against the world.  I knew, no matter what, she was behind me.  She was "for me" not against me.  The best cheerleader ever.

And isn't she pretty?  I wish I could have been her friend back then, as an adult.  I think she would have been someone I would have liked.  Those true kind of friends that you can trust with anything, that would do anything for you, and you can really count in through thick & thin.

She was/is those things to me, and so much more.

Love you, mom!

Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.

Um..Duh.. if you know me.  

The answer to that question would be the one & only New Kids on the Block..4-Eva!  ;)

For your viewing pleasure, here are pics from the last concert I saw of theirs at the Blossom Center in Akron, Ohio, June 23, 2009. 

Before the concert..I ended up sitting in the 6th row..I bought what would kind of be the 12th or so row but the attendant clearly didn't know his letters.  I realized too late ..well, after I had become accustomed to this closeness, I wasn't seriously going to move!  Would you?

 To explain the shirt: Okay: Donnie Wahlberg=D-Dub [DW] and his fans=his soldiers. So That's me and Abigale on the way! ;) The over-shirt is a vintage USMC shirt. :) 

Yes, I OWN my dorkiness..always have!

 NKOTB

 Joe McIntyre

 Jordan Knight

 Danny Wood

Jonathan Knight

 And, the one & only, Donnie Wahlberg.  hmmm..

 Can you believe I was this close..because I seriously only have a point & shoot kind of camera.  

I can't believe I was!

Until the next concert...there is always twitter!